c e r t a i n

It's been awhile since I've written in my blog & I believe it to be because I haven't felt much inspiration around me lately. Perhaps it's my lack of motivation for life. This sounds incredibly depressing & yes maybe it is, but I haven't been exactly myself lately. I have been dealing with some issues of feeling as if I am not worth very much & I haven't felt this way since maybe grade 11. I absolutely hate it this feeling & I haven't been able to shake it. 

Now listen carefully. I am not asking for anyones pity & in due time everything will be okay because we must always remember it will be. Also, I am aware the others have it much worse & I would never want to compare my issues with theirs. The only reason I'm writing about this is because writing has been said to clear the mind & another reason I have decided to write it publicly instead of in one of my journals is because sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. If anyone else is dealing with these feelings & they read this blog post, they might not feel like they are the only ones experiencing this.

Here are a few of the things I have been experiencing lately:

1. Unemployment- I have been trying to get a job for about a month now. I have had a few call backs & interviews but nothing seems to be working out. Everyone around me wants me to pursue something that I do not want to do, but they have a point…sometimes you have to suck it up in order to support yourself. My stubborn self keeps saying, "Just give it another week" But I seem to be failing, so looks like I might have push my stubbornness aside for once.
2. Single- I haven't been single, like really single in about four years. I haven't been alone like this in quite some time & feel really lonely. Being lonely can be harmful because you might settle because you're craving for someone to love you, and that is not right. Do not love or be with someone for these reasons. Being single  for the first time in a long time is starting to make me focus on myself  a little more which is really great, but I miss being able to be the reason for someone's smile, or to be someones world & vice versa. I know my time will come with the right person, but there are nights where it feels like I will always feel this way.
3. Money- Well money goes hand in hand with unemployment BUT I'm not a huge fan of having to worry about money & looking back I wish I would have saved money when I had two jobs instead of taking it for granted. 
4. Weight- I have always felt a little insecure with the way my body is. I am not a size zero & I don't entirely want to be. (not that there is anything wrong with that) But I wouldn't mind losing some weight so I can feel incredibly beautiful. I know that feeling beautiful comes more from the inside than the outside but it would be nice to be able feel good in my skin. I have always made these resolutions to lose weight or eat more healthy, but it never seems to follow through. (every woman's battle) I believe if I start taking care of myself more then i'll have more motivation for the above. 
5. Friendships- What I have found out lately is pick your friends wisely. Sometimes we tend to go up & beyond for the people we care about & we don't get much back in return. Now, it's not about a score board, but it's definitely nice to feel as though you are cared for & if you needed them they would be there for you too. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives, but be very careful when doing this because sometimes people are going through phases or their own hardships & instead of pushing them away, they might actual need you more then ever.  Be careful.

I strongly believe in the saying, "Everything will work  itself out." I know that in a months time I could have a job I love, a beginning of a great relationship with someone, a little bit of cash in my pocket, perhaps a membership to a gym that i'll actually go to, and it's possible that I will meet another great friend. It takes hard moments & difficult feelings in order to know when life feels good, and because I am aware of that fact I know for certain I will be okay.
Lastly, We must always remember we are not alone, no matter how much it feels like we are. 
Bad days don't mean a bad life.

xo, 

mady