Desire.

Sometimes we try to avoid our feelings for someone or something because simply it's easier to.

It's easier to push it into the back of our mind where we categorize all the things that don't make sense & all the things we try to stop ourselves from feeling. It's even worse when you have no idea why they hold such a special place in you. I don't understand the emotions of desire & sometimes even if you have no real reason to desire them, you just do. You get this strange desire to want to know what their favourite food is, what their biggest fears are, their goals, their passion all for some weird reason you're not even sure how it happened. 

We are left with a choice. Either we store it in the back of our minds & keep coming back to it OR we can act on it & forget about how much of a fool we might look like because at least then we know if anything could come of it.

I'm personally not very good at being calm & collective. I am a very passionate person with strong emotions & sometimes it's a blessing & sometimes it's a curse. It can scare people away or it  can be something that draws people towards me. I get scared when meeting people for the first time because I always have this deep fear that maybe I talk too much, laugh too much, share too many stories, etc. 

I know the people who know & love me will tell me that the right people will love every piece of you & I agree, but I want so badly for that person to like me & that's what scares me the most. The fact that I am writing this right now scares me, but I want to do it because writing helps me understand. 

We don't hear many stories anymore about people chasing after the people they want to get to know. It always seem that the internet   or dating sites are the way to finding that special someone nowadays & I hate it. I have tried tinder/pof & I just don't want my partner to be someone I didn't have to try too hard for. I like that old romance kind of feeling where they chased after the person they wanted because they didn't have anything to lose. I might look like a fool but I don't really care anymore because I would rather be fool then someone who didn't follow their heart.

xo, 

mady

ps. happy friday

Sassy Sundays (6)

• I guess as much as I like that I am happy being single…a part of me misses the feeling of someone genuinly being excited to see me.
• I have realized that I will always be a short hair person & I need to stop trying to pretend that I am a long hair person. You just gotta pick your place people..
• If your moustache is twirled, you can't get mad when I go in for a butt grab. After all, you asked for it.
• Value Village is my addiction & sometimes I feel like someone's going to put me on that weird TLC show.  
• It's so much of an addiction that I know the regulars & I think the manager has a crush on me okay…alright I take back #1 point. 
• The Park Theatre is where I want to meet my husband & if anyone knows that giant deer painting on the wall, I wouldn't mind that as a wedding gift.
• If you don't want to wear makeup, you don't have to. That seems like such a simple sentence but there are so many standards nowadays. I absolutely hate when people say, "put some mascara on or something."
• We have all been hurt one way or another, but please don't give up on love because you're afraid. 
• If you haven't had Stella's house salad yet then you are really missing out. ps..you can buy their dressing too! I am offically having salad everyday this week.
• If you are looking for a really great red/orangey lipstick I recommend 'So Chaud' by MAC. 
• BUT if you're looking for a REALLY red lipstick I recommend '01 Always Red' by Sephora Creme Lip stain.
• How do you even meet people anymore? Is it still cool to randomly walk up to someone & say "Hi, I'm Mady" or do I have to find them on the internet or do I have to shake my bootay at a club? (did I really just say that)
• If you haven't tried avocado/egg on toast then I am sorry you have been living a very boring life.

A Collection of Words

Here are some quotes that have really been helping me out lately/inspiring me/I just like them, okay?

" I wish people could just say how they feel like ‘Hey I really don’t like when you do that to me’ or ‘Hey I’m in love with you’ or ‘Hi I really miss you and I think about you all the time’ without sounding desperate. Why can’t everyone be painfully honest and just save people the trouble. "

 " The best part of a relationship is getting to call the person, or lay down next to them, and tell them all the crazy things that happened to you all day long. In the end that’s what it’s about. It’s not about sex, it’s not about the money they give you, it’s not about how good looking they are, it’s about them listening to you talk for hours and hours and hours, about stupid shit that doesn’t matter. " - Tegan Quinn 

"Find someone who makes you realize three things: one, that home is not a place, but a feeling. Two, that time is not measured by a clock, but by moments. And three, that heartbeats are not heard, but felt and shared."

 "My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else, and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all. "

"Mostly, I am ashamed for sticking around for a person who's made me feel this way."

" 

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

                                             We never know when the bus is coming."

 Rachel C. Lewis

 &&&& 

My absolute favourite

 

What I Know Going into My 20s.

People Don't Care Who You Were in High School

     While I was in high school I thought it was so important to be popular, have lots of friends, and be good at lots of things. As soon as I left high school & started secondary education, I noticed right away that it didn't matter who you once were, it mattered who you were now. Your reputation & the people who thought they knew who you were in those four years disappear from your life & that guy that saw you rip your pants probably won't even know your name in a couple years.

Always Drive the Speed Limit

     Getting somewhere extremely fast isn't worth the ticket, and it's okay to drive a little under the speed limit sometimes. You don't look cool zooming past people, you look dangerous & not in a sexy way. 

Spend Your Time Making Friends

      Having a great set of friends is far more important than trying to find someone to be with you, after all it's your friends that are there after the guy is gone. Don't focus all your time on finding someone to take cute Instagram pictures with, instead focus your time on meeting new people & gaining friendships that'll last a life time, especially if you just got out of a long relationship. Don't rush into anything with anyone because you're lonely, and if you are seeing someone focus on being great friends with them first. 

If You Need Help, Ask.

    If you get yourself in a rut & that rut keeps getting bigger & bigger because you are too afraid to sound irresponsible, just stop while you can. It takes awhile to really figure out adulthood's realities & it takes a couple mistakes to realize that you're not super woman. Your parents will understand because I am sure at one point they were in similar situations while growing up, so don't be afraid to ask for help every once in awhile.

Men's Razors are Better

    Enough with the girl razors. Buy guy razors! they make your legs feel silky smooth.

Not Everyone is Going to Like You

    You can't expect every single person on this planet to absolutely love you! Just like people can't expect you to like everyone. Sometimes characters just clash & there isn't much you can do about it, but smile & wave. You don't have to be a complete asshole to everyone you don't like, but you also don't have to go out of your way for them either. 

A Bubble Bath & Wine Fixes Almost Anything

     Having a bad day? Well, go grab your favourite wine, run the bath water, burn some candles, and forget about all your problems. But don't even worry, they come back as soon as you're done...but hey! That half hour was nice wasn't it?!

It's Nice to Have a Good Cry

    Sometimes you just need to cry it out. Crying does not show weakness, it shows that you are human & you feel things. 

If He Wants to Talk to You He Will

    If someone doesn't really answer your text messages, it's probably not because they are busy & don't like texting..It's probably because they don't want to talk to you. People will make the effort if they want to, and if someone is stand offish, don't send them a million messages till they answer or tell you why. Trust me it's just awkward & you look crazy. 

Family is Important

    After all, they are the ones that love you regardless of anything right? So, don't forget to stay in touch with siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunties, etc. Also, keep your parents in the loop because even though you're getting all "free willy" on them, it's nice to let them know where you are & that you love them. Plus! Now that you're getting older, they actually are kind of cool right?

Pizza Hotline is Fantastic After a Night Out

     Wow! Can I just say thankgod for pizza hotline being open so late. Normally their pizza isn't that great, but mix a little alcohol & let me tell you at 2 a.m. it has never tasted better.

I Could live Off of $20 dollars a Week & Survive

      Sometimes you just gotta learn to live off of mustard sandwiches & coffee because well, life wouldn't go on without that dress...

Know How to Laugh at Yourself

      Don't take yourself too seriously. Learn to laugh at your mistakes & then move on. 

Here's to my 20s.

cheers.

xo, 

mady

    

                    

Honesty Hour

For as long as I can remember I have always had a different sense of style & a different personality than the people around me. I have never been interested in dressing or doing my hair the same way as everyone else. I can still remember in kindergarten when I would make my mom put my hair in tiny little buns all over my head because I knew no one else would have it! Anytime I have ever tried to dress similar to my peers I have always felt uncomfortable or boring. I am not saying that what's in style right now is boring, I am just stating that for some odd reason it makes me feel boring. 

On a more serious note being different has gotten me into some pretty depressing situations which really it shouldn't. I always thought being different was a great thing & I still think it is, but what are you suppose to do when you are 17 years old & your best friend at the time says she feels intimidated by your style. I have always been attracted to people who are different than your average joes & to hear the one person that I thought enjoyed being around people like that too, tell me that I made her feel that way really hurt me. Now, I know that's not the only reason I lost her as a friend, but the fact that it was a factor to it made me feel really insecure. 

Once I went to a job interview at a salon in the city & one of the main reasons I started hair styling was because it was an outlet to be creative & show expression through hair & style. I had never once thought the way I did my hair in the 1950s flare or the way I had tattoos would hold me back while getting a job to be a stylist. If I am being entirely honest, I thought it would only benefit me. As I was at the interview the employer asked me if this was the way I always dressed. I replied that I enjoy many styles & I pull a lot of my inspiration from the 50s & the 60s. She then went on to tell me that my style might make clients feel uncomfortable which I thought sounded pretty strange because when I get my hair done I always love to go to someone who's creative. It's like my whole 17 year old self standing in that hallway was floating back & suddenly I felt insecure & awkward. I never did call that lady back & nor will I ever give someone the time of day if they focus more about how I dress & less about my talents & personality. Can I just say that I am not saying that all salons are this way...because they are not. I am just using this salon as a example.Unlike that day when a friend let me down, I got into my car & I didn't let it ruin me, instead I thought to myself, "well that person is missing out on a chance to work with me." 

Excuse me while I go all over the place here, but has anyone been in a relationship where they dress or act a certain way to fit their significant others style? STOP. If you have to change to fit someone else you shouldn't be with them in the first place. If you wanna shave all your hair off, dye your hair an insane color, or get a tattoo on your face or whatever, your lover should love you anyways. They don't have to particularly enjoy the way you style yourself, but they should accept it & the way you look shouldn't be the main reason why they love you anyway. I cannot stand when woman would come into the salon & say, "I can't dye my hair this color because my husband wouldn't like it." I can't help but say, "It's not your husbands hair is it?" Be who you want to be & dress how you want to dress because life is way to short to worry about details like that. You should be worrying about building healthy relationships, gaining confidence that radiates in a room, loving who you are in the inside, etc. 

I guess what I am really trying to say is don't be afraid to be yourself. If people in your life make fun of you for wearing something different, than maybe you need to rethink their position in your life. Also, don't change yourself to fit for someone. This isn't just in regards to a particular style but don't change your views for someone you are trying to impressive. Lastly, if you see someone on the street who might be wearing something that you particularly wouldn't wear, do not judge them on it. We are given the freedom to be what we want to be, and if you feel the need to make fun of people for trying to figure themselves out creatively than you need some serious thinking time. Moral of this whole word vomit is love yourself & allow others to love themselves even if it might not be the way you agree. 

xo, 

Mady

I Just Wanna Be Where You Are Playlist

Having your best friend live on the other side of the world isn't exactly ideal & as much as face timing & messaging is a blessing, it's still not the same as being able to hangout in the same room as one other. Music is a really nice way to be able to help you through those times & it's really fun to share what you have been listening to lately. Here is a collection of some of Erin & I's favourite songs at this moment. 

xo,
Mady & Erin

Weekly Post : Sassy Sundays (5)

• Tim Horton's employee...yes. I know I am here for the third time today & don't act like you don't enjoy seeing me too.
• I can't carry the weight of your insecurities. I have my own to carry.
• Nothing is worse then when someone feels pity on you. 
• I'm turning 20 on the 8th, and my birthday present to myself is : I will only surround myself with people who truly care for me & to stop letting others take advantage of my kindness. 
• I think it's really important for everyone to really take a second out of there day & think about what you truly deserve, and don't take secondhand love from other people. Don't be afraid of being alone for awhile if you have to cut people out of your life because eventually you will find the right people & it will all be worth it.
• When you are seeing someone always be completely honest & real with them. If you are not looking for a relationship right at that moment, let them know. If they still want to hang around & get to know you that's great! But, don't play with someones heart. Tell them exactly how you feel. 
• Writing a journal is not childish....unless you write someones name in hearts. But! It's a really nice place to vent how you feel or even if you want to remember moments or words someone said to you when you are older. Go out & buy something to write in & write what you've always wanted to say.
• I'm sorry hot yoga classes, but I don't know the difference between karma, hot flow, moksha 360 blah blah.....is there somewhere I can go that says, "this is the one you won't pass out in."
• That's another thing, at hot yoga I get so uncomfortable with all the yogi's because of the mirrors surrounding everyone & the whole time I am thinking in my head, "please don't fall, please don't fart, look cool, look like you've been here more than three times." 
• If you can't handle dog hair....Don't pick up my pug.
• I wish it was cool if girls other than just Rachel Green were accepted when they didn't wear bras.
• Getting a hair cut is such a nice way to feel fierce after a breakup.
• You can love someone but you don't have to like them or who they have become.
• Can we all just take a minute out of our day to really appreciate Beyonce. Wow! She is absolutely amazing. If you are ever in a sticky situation all you gotta say is, "WWBD" & then just do it!
• I was thinking this week about when you go to mexico or wherever & you swim with the dolphins & it's super magical or whatever. But, can we just take a moment to think about how actually weird this is. Could you imagine what the dolphins are thinking as they are pulling around people all day everyday? 
• I read an article the other day about love & hate. It talked about the million things the writer hates & a million things the writer loved. I came across this line & it really spoke to me,"I hate that tears mean crazy and I hate that I’m always wrong because I’m emotional and you’re not." It's so true because the moment someone shows emotions particular people respond to it as being crazy or that you're nuts for crying & you're actually not. You might actually be healthier than that person saying those things because you are not afraid to express yourself & they might be. If you are not an emotional person that's completely okay, but don't expect the rest of the world to be like stones around you. 
• Friends are international & just because you can't be there physically  you can always be there emotionally. 
• Get off your high horse & pass me your ego.
• Lesson of the week : Always plug in your car when it's going to be -45 out, when applying for jobs make sure you don't have a stain on your shirt, & think over what you're going to say before you actually say it.

xo, mady