Going out & having a good time with my friends or even new friends is something I really want to do more. I've closed myself off from a lot of situations because of the fear of rejection. I know that sounds terribly naive, but it's something i've dealt with & I am learning to be spontaneous & take a leap when the moment happens more & more. My fear is that I am missing out on these younger years of my life & I don't want to look back when I am older & think, "I wish I had more experiences & said yes to that random invite." I want to look back & remember all the moments that made me laugh until I cried, when I stayed up till 5 in the morning & had to go to work the next day, or perhaps even falling in love with a complete stranger. I want experiences, and stories that I can write about & perhaps stories to share with my one day children.
I am not saying that in order for me to have experiences I need to be out at a bar getting drunk because that is not entirely what I mean. I want to take chances & start saying yes to all the things I use to quickly say no to. Saying no to things out of fear leaves you at home hanging out with your pug (although quite fun) & wondering how much fun they must be having & regretting the fact that you're not there to. I'm just not into this being my reality anymore, and when I was in my last relationship perhaps I become too comfortable & too interested in "staying in" & there is nothing wrong with doing that every once in awhile, but I have the rest of my life to "stay in" & I don't want that to start being a habit in my 20s & I don't want to give that habit to anyone else.
I want to be part of something, something bigger than myself. I want to be around people who inspire me & who truly care for me. I want to be that person for others as well, and we can share memories that will last a life time. It may seem like I am dreaming big here & life isn't like the movies, but we can at least try to have a good time right? I mean I am only given this one life (depending on what you believe) & I really want it to be a life with many chapters & when I do leave I want to truly say that I had a good life & shared it with amazing people.
Amazing people can come in all sorts of ways. Some people come into our lives just to teach you a lesson & keep you on your toes, some are there to break your heart so you can learn to mend it yourself, people can come into your life to cheat & lie so you can learn not to trust so easily, and others show you that love can be constant & real. When I say experiences I do not mean everything being so perfect & inspiring all the time...I want it all. I want mistakes to happen, I want to learn how to take care of myself, I want to allow others to take care of me. I want to fail and learn to succeed, I want to love the wrong people so I can love the right people, and I want to learn something new about myself everyday.
When this all happens to me I probably won't be thinking, "oh, what a delightful experience, I'm so happy I am having this deep moment within myself!" I'll probably be thinking, "oh fuck, what next?!" It's not till later on that we look back & laugh, cry or even wonder what the hell we were we thinking?! We become consumed within the moment that we forget it will end up shaping who we are & eventually we might not even remember why we were so upset & or why we drank soo much the night before, but it's part of it all. It's part of you, and you are part of everything.
xo,
mady
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